I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
