I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
