You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
