dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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