The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
