It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
