Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I will pee on everything he values.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
