it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize