Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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