Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
