I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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