So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize