I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
