glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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