The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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