I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
