I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
