coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
