The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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