I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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