I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
