In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
