I'd wear matching sweaters with you
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
