so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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