I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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