Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
