He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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