went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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