are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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