i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
