my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
