1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
