I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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