Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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