my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize