god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
