I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
