just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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