Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He better not be in your backpack
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
