Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize
