Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
