T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
