Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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