my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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