I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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