I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
