I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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