Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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