After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
