i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
accomplished twins. life is a go
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
