it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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