got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
