You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize