I'm really into asian looking animals
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
