A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
