i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
