I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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