Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
