hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
